My First Marriage

My best friend, Faith, wrote this when I was still at the University of Northern Iowa finishing up my Bachelors degree and she was at Mankato State working on her Masters degree.  It was written circa 1989-1990. 

Love You Like A Boy
by F.E.Wagoner

I married you a long time ago,
some time after you hated me
for being smart and barging
into the trivia game,
sometime after you shot me in the back
with chocolate ice cream,
some day later than the night
you slapped me across the face
and I ran back to the room,
hid in a toilet stall
crying and hurting
knowing that your fingers
autographed my cheek
and I would have to explain to my roommates
and hate you for a day
or two.

I married you after we decided
that we were different from the others.
We liked to drink and slam dance (mildly)
and rebel against the Barbie dolls
in our hall
who liked Top 40,
spent 20 minutes in the shower
while we waited, cold and sleepy,
spent hours primping and curling
and teasing
before they went out -
we wore just jeans and sweatshirts
and kept our IDs and money
in a back pocket.

I married you
because I knew that what
I couldn't accomplish
you would,
what I couldn't fight
or stand up to,
you would and frequently did.
I was a sappy drunk then,
you hated it, hate me crying
in front of people when we were out -
I am bawling because he is dancing
with a Barbie doll
and you drag me to the bathroom
but we have to wait 'cuz
there are Dolls primping inside.
Furious with me -
I am still crying and ready to puke -
you push me hard,
launch me through the door
and knock a Barbie in the face
with my fist because I am trying
to save myself from pain.
Those girls are pissed
and ready to beat me
'til you step in and save me,
towering above them,
fist ready and mad as hell anyway
they know they've messed
with the wrong couple.

I married you long before
6:00 mornings walking back
from a men's dorm,
reliving the night
relishing our freedoms
and triumphs and hangovers,
groaning at a few bruises.

I go to sleep alone now
and you're not there
a few feet away mumbling in your sleep
or knocking your head on the light
as you climb the ladder to the loft,
I even miss you picking at your food
and bitching about my cigarette smoke
and how you should be sainted
for living with such a mess.
If someone tries to beat me now,
I may actually have the guts
to swing first
because I know you won't be
stepping in at the last moment,
and the Dolls don't matter
too much,
anymore.

Lots of Questions, No Solution - - - Yet

The year 2010 has been a real struggle for me.  I cannot remember any other year in my life that has been as tough for me as the last year has been. Many of you know none of it.  Few of you know some.  A couple of you know most.  No one knows all.

I do not plan to confess anything here. My plan is to write about things and perhaps even to set forth a plan to grow, heal, and move on.

I know it is silly to blame it on the year. The year has nothing to do with it. Really, it is just a reference point.  January is when I realized, or better yet, unexpectedly came to face some things that I had buried long, long ago. It is when I began to face, what I feel to be, the truth about things in my life and realize that they are not as they appear.

Don't get me wrong.  The whole year has not been a total disaster.  Good things have happened too.  Kaci started pre school.  I got to take 2 awesome vacations.  Bills are paid.  There's a roof over my head.  I am warm (or cooled) when I need to be. I know if I took the time to think about it, my list would be very long.

So what about the things I consider to be not so wonderful.  What could be so bad that I really question my happiness, my life's purpose, my legacy?  Why do I feel unrest? What the hell has changed?

I have said and done things this year that I am not proud of. I never thought that I would do or say those things, but really, I have had that happen many times in my life.  They are called life lessons. 

I know that I am supposed to grow and learn from my mistakes, my life lessons.  I think I have been pretty successful at doing just that. This year, I can't and havent.  Instead, I question everything about my being, the choices I've made, the world that I live in, the afterlife (if there is one), and anything else that I have chosen not to deal with before, including buried memories.

So, how do I get past this?  How do I move on?  How do I grow?  How do I rebury the things that should have stayed buried?  Or do I rebury them at all?  How do I embrace things in my life, choices I've made, things that I've done?  How do I accept things for what they are? 

For those of you who know me, you know not to tell me to pray about it, or give it to god, or do anything that takes it out of my control.  I dont believe in god.  I believe I am in control.  I believe there is no pre determined plan for me and I believe that I am responsible for my destiny.  It is not any gods will, it is my will. 

With that said, then the easy answer is that I should just tell myself to snap out of it.  Right?  Right!  If that was the case, then I wouldnt still be dwelling on the same damn issues many, many months later. The old cliche of "easier said than done" comes into play now.  

I am trying to help myself.  I have read some things that may help me to move on.  My bestie gave me some great books that are awesome and I believe may just bring me some relief.

However, I think the thing that I really want to know, the real core of it all, the thing that I really want to figure out is not how to move on, but how to face it head on.  I know that unearthing and facing things I had buried so long ago was not a good thing for me.  At the time, I did not realize it, and even welcomed it, but it was actually quite unhealthy.   It has made me face and question many things in my life.  It has shaken me to my core. 

I know moving on is good and desired, but I dont want to have to bury things again in an attempt to move on.  I want to face issues head on, deal with them, and be done.

Again, easier said than done.