Welcome to my completely random and quite impulsive endeavor! Anything is worth a try once, right?!?!?!

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Which One Would You Choose?

I just finished watching the series Heroes on Netflix.  There were 5 seasons.  I really liked the series, although, like most television series, the last season/s wasn't the greatest.  As I was watching the series, I contemplated the lure of having a "super power". 

There were a couple characters that could have more than one power at a time.  Most could have just one.  Sylar could have many powers, but he killed other people with powers to get them.  So, obviously he was the villain.  Peter could have many powers simply by touching others with powers.  Nathan could fly.  Angela had dreams that came true.  Matt could read peoples minds and then control their thoughts.  Claire could heal / regenerate instantly.  Hiro could teleport through space and time.  Samuel could move earth.  Jessica could freeze whatever she touched and then later travel as water.  Other minor characters could breathe under water, be invisible, heal others by touching them, throw electricity from their body, throw fire from their body, control others movements, erase others memories, travel through walls, have super strength, see the movement of sound, and on and on and on.

As I watched the series, I wondered which one would be the best to have.  Of course, the humanitarian came out in me and I knew I had to pick one that would not hurt others.  As the series progressed, I also understood that there were ramifications to having a super power, so I had to add that into my inner debate of which one I wanted - - as if I really had a choice anyway. 

I knew right away, that I did not want to have the power to control peoples movements, or throw electricity or fire. I did not not want to read peoples minds or control their thoughts - - well, most of the time.  I see no point in freezing what I touch, travelling as water, breathing under water or moving earth.  I guess when I really thought about it, I also didn't want any ability that could change the past, the present, or the future because I know if I had one of those powers I WOULD use them for personal gain and it would come back to bite me in the butt - - probably 100 fold.

Flying might be interesting, but then my need to fly somewhere doesn't happen very often and I don't know how I would transport much, because I would have to be touching / carrying anything that I wanted to fly with me.  Obviously, I couldn't take my family because I cant carry all of them at once and I am not sure that the flying is super fast, so going back and forth to get them all would take a lot of time.  At most, flying could be a money saver, but not many advantages beyond that.

Invisibility or reading peoples minds might be cool, but what if I saw something or heard something that really hurt me.  These are powers that might be great sometimes, but would get me in the end.  Sometimes it is not good to see what others are doing or saying when you are not there.  We all frustrate and piss off people once in awhile - - I don't wanna confirm it by hearing it or seeing it.

Healing others by touching them might be cool too, but then again, I would use it for personal gain, and no one I loved would ever be sick or die.  That would really mess up the natural progression of things.  Healing myself would be nice.  I know that would definitely be a personal gain issue because I would no longer be diabetic.  In the series, Claire can heal herself, but she can't die either.  Death is one of my biggest fears, so that would be a nice advantage for me, however, eventually all those around me would die and there'd I'd sit.  I think I will defer to accept the healing power.

The one power that seemed to intrigue me the most was Hiro's power - - the ability to travel through space and time.  Hiro did travel forward and backward in time, trying to change things.  I don't want that part of it.  As I said before, I know I would try to use that to my advantage and I would mess things up as bad as Hiro did.  I liked the teleporting through current time the best.  Hiro did not have to be touching everyone / thing that he wanted to teleport. He could transport many people / things by simply having them all touching one another and Hiro just had to be touching one of them. That ability is appealing to me because then I could see friends who live further away from me more often, I would not have to waste time travelling to get to places I want to see, and the travel happened instantaneously so I could get in 20 minutes more sleep every morning  rather than spending the time driving to work.  My concern is that possibly I could not have just the power to teleport.  What if the ability came as a 2 for 1 deal and I had to have the time travel ability too? That cannot be an option!  I want to teleport only.  As the series went on, Hiro became ill  and it was attributed to the amount of travel that he was doing.  The more often he used his power, the more he became ill, developing a brain tumor from it.  Just my luck!

ll, except for Sylar and Peter - - but they did not choose to have the ability to be able to have other peoples powers.  Any way, most of the characters did not get to choose if they had an ability or not and they did not get to choose what ability they got.  I suppose that is the way it will be with me too - if I develop one, I will learn to live with it and be responsible with it.  If I do not develop one, then so be it. 

As an end thought, Heroes really was / is a creative television show.  If you haven't seen it, I suggest checking it out.  Then you can decide, which power / ability would you choose?

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Speaking Up

Another poem written by my favorite author / poet / best friend / soul mate.

Speaking Up
F.E. Wagoner

She gave up the night light
when we moved in together,
believing that my presence
would ease her sleep,
could chase away the thick
groping of the darkness.

We finally agreed to pull the curtains,
the dorm room glowing peach
from the light pole on the street.
Just enough darkness to keep me sane,
to let me dream a little.

The first days with my husband
in the new apartment were clean and white
despite all the boxes
of our lives scattered around.
Sleeping on the floor those summer nights
windows open for any air,
the sound of cars on the street
muffled through our dark rooms.
Still there is the glow
of swimming pool lights through cracks
in the bedroom curtains.

Falling asleep is a strange thing,
a process of remembering,
the same kinds of boxes and arguments
about where to place
the chairs, how many drawers she got;
how she and I lay
on the floor of our room, some days
before we built the loft,
mattresses side by side,
how it is always the need
to feel a body close to me.

His breathing now
so much like hers.  The same way
I can curl up beside a body
for any warmth.  The light here
almost the same shade in darkness,
the same through curtains
as it was with her,
makes falling asleep
even with him next to me
a strange and difficult thing.

Why am I not supposed to say
I miss our nights together?
That her voice in the night
speaking up bad dreams and trouble
was all that kept me
from slipping over the edge of the loft
and dashing away.

There is no shame in wishing
for a womans body close to mine,
a silent longing for a chance to feel
powerful, once again knowing that
she dreams beside me.

Some lives are meant for sharing
in different ways
But here is the sadness of knowing, when the car
pulls away, when the phone disconnects,
that she speaks in her sleep for someone else.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

John imagined . . . so long ago!

My mother once said to me, "Jeanna, you think so differently from other people."  She did not mean it in a bad way.  I had been sharing some of my thoughts and beliefs with her, and that was her response.  She is right.  However, I don't believe that I think so differently from ALL other people, just most of the people here in good 'ol conservative northwest Iowa. 

My best friend Faith and I think A LOT alike.  We are about living for today and trying to be the best persons we can be.  She recently posted an article on Religious Independents.  I like that term, although I think I still choose to call myself unaffiliated.  I like what the article had to say.

As I was driving home from work, I was thinking about the article and some of the conversations Faith and I had today via email.  This song popped into my head.  It was one of those ah-ha moments when I realized that "thinking differently from other people" has been around for a long time and we have been challenged to "think differently" all along by those who also thought differently.  Thank you, John, for imagining and not being afraid to think differently.

John Lennon

Imagine there's no Heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Baby Steps - - Stumbling, But Still Trying

Well, my good intentions for health have gotten off to a fair start. 

I have still kept my appointment with my new endocrinologist.  It is still scheduled for March 2.  Gary has the day off, so he is planning to go with me to make sure I go.  He knows me too well and how I tend to cancel at the last minute with things like this.

I did take advantage of the free three month membership offered at the facility next to my company.  I even made an appointment to meet with a personal trainer to get me set up on a program.  I have not exercised yet and missed my appointment, but plan to do better next week.  I don't work tomorrow cuz I have to take Chance to Sioux City to a doctors appointment, but my plan is to stop in on Tuesday, apologize for missing my appointment, and at the very least walk on the treadmill 3 times during the week.

The diet - - I did okay for 3 days.  I ate good.  I planned meals.  I even cooked with fresh veggies.  My body went into shock.  OK, probably not, but I started struggling with low blood sugars, as many as 3 in one night, and I got sick of dealing, so, of course, I chose the easy road and beefed up the amount of carbs I was eating and they weren't the healthiest of carbs.  Result was that the blood sugar problems stopped, but I felt sluggish.  I am gonna get back on the wagon and go at it again - - just gotta figure out the blood sugar thing.

Planning meals for the week went well.  I stuck to it the first 3 days, but forgot that I was not going to be home Thursday night for supper, and then I just kinda blew it from there.  Having planned meals did help grocery shopping go a little easier.  I am going to take the same approach next week and plan my menus out tonight.

So, there you have it, my small, stumbling, baby steps.  Steps forward all the same.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

For The Health Of It

Its that time of year when people resolve to make some sort of change in their lives for the better.  I have often fallen into that trap, only to break the promises I have made to myself a short time later. 

Just like a large percentage of the world out there, I have fallen into the trap again and have been thinking about my resolution for awhile, but decided to wait until January 1 . . . cuz everyone else is doing it.  Sometimes, I resolve to make a change beginning on a Monday or the first of the month.  It is so silly to have a time reference, but we all do it.  The rational part of the brain says, "why not now?".  The irrational side sets a time frame so that I still have time to continue the way I am, down the path that needs changing. 

Of course I chose to follow the irrational side so that I could maintain my lifestyle a bit longer and decided to start on January 1.  I have resolved to have better health and to play a significant role in obtaining it.  Shocker!  Bet that has never been any ones resolution before!

I have had a lot of physical and emotional issues the last year. I absolutely 100% know that I have been the major contributor to those problems. 

I am a very severe brittle diabetic on an insulin pump. I have not seen my endocrinologist (diabetic doctor) in over 2 years - - probably much closer to 3 years.  I often act like I am not diabetic.  I eat what I want, when I want, and how much I want.  The same goes for the amount of alcohol I consume and exercise that I get.  Unfortunately, I am on the abundance side of the food and alcohol and the severely lacking side of exercise.

I have been diabetic for nearly 20 years and I have some of the typical diabetic problems that people have when they have had diabetes this long.  I have diabetic nerve damage from mid calf down to my feet and cannot feel anything.  I get infections very easily and heal very slowly.  When I am sick, it takes me 2 - 4 times longer to get better than the normal person. My eye sight is declining and changes frequently throughout the day.  And I could name  few more too.  Some of the issues I have are irreversible, but others could be improved.  All I know is that these things need to change or I am just going to continue to shorten my life and meet with an early death. Death scares me very much because I have not found an answer that I am comfortable with for an after life option and I have 2 children, 1 very young, that I would like to see grow up and become adults.

So - the plan. How am I going to accomplish, or at least even start my lofty goal?

Well, one thing that I did not wait for January 1 was to contact a new endocrinologist.  I made contact with  the new doctor last week.  They needed a referral from my family doctor.  My family doctor was more than happy to make the referral. He has been bugging me for a long time to get back to my endo.  Referral was made, the new doctor called me and I got their first opening - March 2.  Okay, that is a ways out, but at least the appointment is made.

Next, I plan to talk to the new doctor about a blood sugar sensor that can be used in conjunction with an insulin pump.  I met a woman, Julie, on the cruise I took to the Bahamas in October.  While we were laying out, I noticed she had a pump and I started a conversation with her.  She has the sensor and told me all about it.  It checks your blood sugar every three minutes and adjusts your insulin accordingly.  Of course, I tend to play devils advocate in everything, and I can see how easy that would be for me to continue to eat whatever I want because the pump will adjust to whatever my blood sugar is.  So that is a hurdle that I will have to face, but having the sensor will be nice to keeping blood levels reasonable, thus treating my organs better.  Julie told me that she used to have bad A1C levels.  A1C is a blood test that can tell the amount of blood sugar control you have had over an extended period of time.  A tightly controlled diabetic should be able to achieve a level of 6.0 - 7.0.  The last time I had mine checked, which was probably close to a year ago was 11.3 - not good at all.  Julie said that with her sensor she was able to keep hers at about a 5.5 and she had always been at 9.0-10.0 before.  That makes me hopeful.  So, my goal of getting a sensor and getting my A1C level to a reasonable number is in place.

Oh the food - - I love food.  I love to eat . . . all the time and all the wrong things.  Seriously, I think I can make progress here because I have found in recent months that I enjoy some foods that are good for me.  I have always been a very picky eater.  I have freaked out about food when I am going into a situation that I do not know what the food is going to be.  When I went to the Bahamas, I resolved to try many things that I had never tried before.  I was pretty successful with that endeavor and found that I liked many of the things.  I continue to try new things.  The plan: I know that I need to stop buying the snacking/grazing foods and keep healthier foods in the house.  I also need to begin to cook balanced meals at night.  We are a very on the go and fend for yourself kind of family.  That needs to change - - for the health of all of us. I am getting groceries after work tomorrow.  Tonight, I am going to plan meals for the week.  That should get a good start on the food goal.  I am not gonna go crazy and toss out all the bad foods in the house, but as they are used up, I hope to replace them with better choices.  However, with that said, I will not and will never give up pop.  Just putting that out there.  It is diet and caffeine free.  That is the best it is going to get.

Next, the exercise.  I don't really hate exercising . . . not really.  I am fine once I get to the gym . . it's the getting there that I hate.  I have bought fitness center memberships twice in the past.  I have bought them here in Hartley.  I don't like that you have to buy your membership for a full year.  I wish we had the option to buy 3 or 6 months at a time.  I really don't like going to the fitness center when it is nice out.  I bought them anyway, for the full required year, and only used them for 2 -3 months each time.  Membership to the fitness center is not cheap and so I felt that I wasted my money.  I have vowed not to do that again.  The solution came to me at work last week.  There is a fitness center at the end of the street from where I work - - literally between 100 and 200 yards from one of the buildings I work in.  Well, they have a special that they have offered to the employees at my company - 3 months (January 1 - March 31, 2011) free membership with no future commitments.  They are also open 24 hours now. I don't know what the membership rate is after that, but I am sure going to take advantage of this opportunity.  When the free part ends, it will be April and should be nice enough to be outside!   I lost 40 pounds last year - - in a very unhealthy way (stress and starvation).  I have put over 1/2 of it back on.  I want that back off plus some more, but I want to do it right this time. So, my goal for excercise is staring me right in the face, I just need to reach out and grab it.

The alcohol - - I am a beer girl - - straight up Budweiser.  Beer has lots of carbs, which increases the blood sugar and promotes weight gain.  This is a toughy for me.  I only drink when I go out, and I only go out on the weekends, so there is a little bit of a reprieve for me.  I haven't really decided what I am gonna do with this one.  I have tried lite beers - yuck!  I have even had a sip of something 55 - even more yuck.  The only mixed drinks I really like are wussy drinks, so they are full of calories and carbs. I dont have to drink.  I dont crave the alcohol.  I just like to go out with my friends, toss a few back, and have a good time.  I probably don't drink more than 4-6 when I go out.  I will need to check the carb and calorie count on this one.  It may have to remain my one vice.

So, I have a plan for obtaining some physical wellness.  Some things in the plan already have the ball rolling and others are ready to get out the door.  I really hope that I have the will power and determination to do this . . . I need to do it . . . I want to live and not be so sick all the time. 

Now, how will I obtain emotional wellness?  Faith tells me that she believes that my emotional unrest comes from my lack of control over my physical wellness.  I do not disagree.  My plan, although not  easy is to work slowly and diligently on my physical wellness, read some self help material - most of which will come from the Buddhist faith, and if I can find one close, I would like to join a mediation group. 

So there you have it - - the plan.  I've thought it out, understand the traps, know the possibility for failure, but plan to move ahead anyway - - - I have to!  I need to!  I want to!   Stay tuned - - - -

Sunday, December 26, 2010

My First Marriage

My best friend, Faith, wrote this when I was still at the University of Northern Iowa finishing up my Bachelors degree and she was at Mankato State working on her Masters degree.  It was written circa 1989-1990. 

Love You Like A Boy
by F.E.Wagoner

I married you a long time ago,
some time after you hated me
for being smart and barging
into the trivia game,
sometime after you shot me in the back
with chocolate ice cream,
some day later than the night
you slapped me across the face
and I ran back to the room,
hid in a toilet stall
crying and hurting
knowing that your fingers
autographed my cheek
and I would have to explain to my roommates
and hate you for a day
or two.

I married you after we decided
that we were different from the others.
We liked to drink and slam dance (mildly)
and rebel against the Barbie dolls
in our hall
who liked Top 40,
spent 20 minutes in the shower
while we waited, cold and sleepy,
spent hours primping and curling
and teasing
before they went out -
we wore just jeans and sweatshirts
and kept our IDs and money
in a back pocket.

I married you
because I knew that what
I couldn't accomplish
you would,
what I couldn't fight
or stand up to,
you would and frequently did.
I was a sappy drunk then,
you hated it, hate me crying
in front of people when we were out -
I am bawling because he is dancing
with a Barbie doll
and you drag me to the bathroom
but we have to wait 'cuz
there are Dolls primping inside.
Furious with me -
I am still crying and ready to puke -
you push me hard,
launch me through the door
and knock a Barbie in the face
with my fist because I am trying
to save myself from pain.
Those girls are pissed
and ready to beat me
'til you step in and save me,
towering above them,
fist ready and mad as hell anyway
they know they've messed
with the wrong couple.

I married you long before
6:00 mornings walking back
from a men's dorm,
reliving the night
relishing our freedoms
and triumphs and hangovers,
groaning at a few bruises.

I go to sleep alone now
and you're not there
a few feet away mumbling in your sleep
or knocking your head on the light
as you climb the ladder to the loft,
I even miss you picking at your food
and bitching about my cigarette smoke
and how you should be sainted
for living with such a mess.
If someone tries to beat me now,
I may actually have the guts
to swing first
because I know you won't be
stepping in at the last moment,
and the Dolls don't matter
too much,

Monday, December 13, 2010

Lots of Questions, No Solution - - - Yet

The year 2010 has been a real struggle for me.  I cannot remember any other year in my life that has been as tough for me as the last year has been. Many of you know none of it.  Few of you know some.  A couple of you know most.  No one knows all.

I do not plan to confess anything here. My plan is to write about things and perhaps even to set forth a plan to grow, heal, and move on.

I know it is silly to blame it on the year. The year has nothing to do with it. Really, it is just a reference point.  January is when I realized, or better yet, unexpectedly came to face some things that I had buried long, long ago. It is when I began to face, what I feel to be, the truth about things in my life and realize that they are not as they appear.

Don't get me wrong.  The whole year has not been a total disaster.  Good things have happened too.  Kaci started pre school.  I got to take 2 awesome vacations.  Bills are paid.  There's a roof over my head.  I am warm (or cooled) when I need to be. I know if I took the time to think about it, my list would be very long.

So what about the things I consider to be not so wonderful.  What could be so bad that I really question my happiness, my life's purpose, my legacy?  Why do I feel unrest? What the hell has changed?

I have said and done things this year that I am not proud of. I never thought that I would do or say those things, but really, I have had that happen many times in my life.  They are called life lessons. 

I know that I am supposed to grow and learn from my mistakes, my life lessons.  I think I have been pretty successful at doing just that. This year, I can't and havent.  Instead, I question everything about my being, the choices I've made, the world that I live in, the afterlife (if there is one), and anything else that I have chosen not to deal with before, including buried memories.

So, how do I get past this?  How do I move on?  How do I grow?  How do I rebury the things that should have stayed buried?  Or do I rebury them at all?  How do I embrace things in my life, choices I've made, things that I've done?  How do I accept things for what they are? 

For those of you who know me, you know not to tell me to pray about it, or give it to god, or do anything that takes it out of my control.  I dont believe in god.  I believe I am in control.  I believe there is no pre determined plan for me and I believe that I am responsible for my destiny.  It is not any gods will, it is my will. 

With that said, then the easy answer is that I should just tell myself to snap out of it.  Right?  Right!  If that was the case, then I wouldnt still be dwelling on the same damn issues many, many months later. The old cliche of "easier said than done" comes into play now.  

I am trying to help myself.  I have read some things that may help me to move on.  My bestie gave me some great books that are awesome and I believe may just bring me some relief.

However, I think the thing that I really want to know, the real core of it all, the thing that I really want to figure out is not how to move on, but how to face it head on.  I know that unearthing and facing things I had buried so long ago was not a good thing for me.  At the time, I did not realize it, and even welcomed it, but it was actually quite unhealthy.   It has made me face and question many things in my life.  It has shaken me to my core. 

I know moving on is good and desired, but I dont want to have to bury things again in an attempt to move on.  I want to face issues head on, deal with them, and be done.

Again, easier said than done.